Pam and I just got back from two half weeks of camp...we agree, a good conclusion. I liked the first camp, the kids camp...I love the kids from our school, specially that grade, and its great to see how they love each other, and how united they are, and secure, and to think we have been with them for 7 or 8 years, watching them and helping them grow into this stage of their life...hoping to prepare them for the next. I know that after they go on to high school next year, many things will change, they will remain "our kids", but some will get lost and we will inevitably end up knowing more about their past than about their current situations, whatever that may be. We watch them go through the toughest years of their lives and can only stand at the sidelines, with hearts full of love and tears when they fall or move away from us. Then the second camp, with the park boys, was alot of fun for me, mostly because I love time spent with them. I love it when they have a good time or get a good meal or seem happy just to be a togetherness, because I know these are rare events for them. They got the Bible before every meal, and listened respectfully. It was a good three days for a few or them, and I saw things in some of them that I hadn't before (and my dad saw things in some of them that I still haven't, so thats also good)...I got to have a really good talk with Alexis, not because I said a whole bunch of smart stuff that in my opinion would make his life better, but because I got to sit with him on that hammock while he cried and love him. It was a very laid back camp, with alot less running around planning games and alot more just hanging out, so though we were tired at the end of it, i remember what March was like and I know it could have been worse. And it was worth it, it all was. Pam, I'm sure, will post photos. We are in my parents house, alternating between napping and computer time and getting into the mindset for another parting...I hate this as much as the next guy...saying bye to Pamela at the same time as getting the idea into my said of saying bye to everyone myself shortly...i can't focus on either pain enough for them to really sink in and i don't know if that is a good thing.

i think it is so easy to find that place inside ourselves where we are focused on ourselves, and so hard to leave it. life is not goal oriented, you don't have to save every breath, every jot of energy for the never ending hike, you can play around a bit more. other people come into focus when survival isn't on the line. and then things crash.

hey guys. volcano hasn't killed us yet. were going to the jungle tomorrow, so hopefully the poisonous spider will. or the bats. or the canyoning (look it up). best things today: hot showers (in our future) sunny mountains (in our past) alcohol (in our systems) and... my brain is tired and altitude affected, so thats the extent of the list for now.

i can't wait 'til we are older and free of our immaturities, but i guess i will never be rid of my delusions and paranoias it was my dad's birthday this weekend, which meant eating out (twice) so i am probably more well fed right now that i have been in a while...more vitamins and stuff. it really helps the thinking process...when people ask me what i do these days, i say "i think alot...and then i do stuff and talk to people to give me more material to think about"...i also get dreams, apparently, because last night i dreamt pam wouldn't let me go to the bathroom in the swiss chalet and so i grabbed her hair and wouldn't let go. i should stop thinking and start writing things more significant than blogs.

the dark side

are we to live for others? how much? not all, certainly, i'm sure we are entitled to at least a couple hours a day to ourselves...a nap or reading a book or spacing out in the hammock. living for others...it's too draining, too extreme, god save us from extreme. even small choices tell us how sinful we are. the smallest thing...just like stars are tiny twinkling windows in the sky into an eternity of light, every second of our thoughts are tiny dark holes in our veneers of righteousness, tiny dark peepholes into the rotten core.