Sunday, August 27, 2006

sacrifice

What sacrifices do we make to our God, and what good do we think they do? Some sacrifice our families, or time, our well-being. We do things we don't want to, we compromise, we keep driving when our tank is way past empty, we keep giving when our pockets are dwindling low, and it is because somewhere at the root of our conciousness is the idea that that is what we must do, that God is pleased with burnt offerings. Sometimes, we feel so BURNT. Too many meetings, too many bible studies, too many people, but its doing the right thing, is it not, to continue. Do we slaughter our families on this altar, when we press forward with the altruistic notions of "ministry first". do we offer ourselves up, chunk by bloody chunk, and is that what makes our God happy? it seems grotesque sometimes, but at other times, its beauty. i'm not sure mostly.

Monday, August 21, 2006

the word caffe latte dates back to 1847

“He doesn’t need a job, he needs an identity” (old family friend in Canada’s comment about my dad, as my parents think about taking a break from missionary-ing in January) See, my dad: here, he’s friends with a lawyer, with a doctor, he has been to the jails and all the hospitals and knows how to get in where at what times and how much you have to slip the guard to let you through. He doesn’t get lost driving around the city and can spot a bribe-fisher or a swindler within 10 seconds. He knows when wearing a fancy shirt with dress pants will further his cause, and when to rely more heavily on his striking blue eyes. That is here in Ecuador. But up there? He’s nobody. He loses that which makes him secure, like our friend said, his identity. I do, too. Even if I don’t HAVE a job here, i have an identity. I know what the slang and the looks mean. I can feel my way through social situations. I know what bus i need to take where, and if I don’t i know who to ask. I know the fair prices for things, and the weather. I know who I am, and who I come across as. I know what people see when they look at me. I know where I am limited and where I have advantages. I know. But up there? I am nobody. I not only lose that which makes me secure: I lose myself. But I am still willing to go. I will go be un-extraordinary for a while, see if I miss the stares following me on the streets and the confidence the eternal height advantage provides. It will be more than that which is lost, it will be the sense of purpose, the "mission" life...i don't like the title missionary, but the strong sense of purpose, the vision in you head, I'm all for that. I will leave, I will go, but send me.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

$$$

mail today: -a scholarship cheque for $1000 (American) , from a Brethren ministry in Illinois, payable to the Universidad Espiritu Santo, which I dropped out of two months ago -a $3250 (Canadian) entrance scholarship offer from Mount Allison University, which I deffered acceptance to -a piece of cardboard from Heidi...more precious to me than the other two, combined.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

hammock time

today...probably about 6 hours. but very productive, in its own way. i thought about EVERYTHING

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

kaleidoscope eyes

i cannot see clearly all the time...what with the love, the past, the visions, the fear, the black holes, the question marks, the passion, the doubt, the dangers that all clamor for attention... but whatever i see through these eyes, the mess of it, the confusion, its beautiful when you hold it up to the light and turn he tube a bit...just a bit. Sometimes its jumbled and sometimes its a stunning pattern, but you can stare at it for a long time and it will still be beautiful. sometimes, when i dont know what to do, i just like looking. i like holding things up to the Light and turning the tube slowly, slowly... the bits of glass and coloured plastic are still there. enjoy, and then do something. let the Light get to your eye.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

i when one is in the throes of indecision, it doesn't take much to upset ones stomach to the point of vomiting