Monday, April 30, 2007

still travelling, it seems


human plans are so fragile. why do we even bother. it is nice to think of things lined up like dominoes... decisions make themselves and you can't do anything about it. you can take a piece out now and then and avoid certain outcomes, but really... do you understand how that works? liberating. why do we need to control so much, after all? i think i don't have strong feelings either way... control or anarchy, plans or seat of the pants. which is why both seem an imposition at times. and life doesn't really fit in to polarized perceptions, anyway.

finally tomorrow arrives. and at the same time, more dominoes topple after that... anxious to begin that game, but not sitting in suspended animation until it occurs.

yeah, i still daydream about the same things. i might still be stuck in the same indecision, it is a new colour this year, though. so paralyzed by inability, so distracted by desire. the same old problem. how can i concentrate long enough to become what i want to, when i am still filled with this drive to something huger. but it will only ever be a drive, unless i succeed at concentration. like in everything, i guess. i am a bad loser.

3 comments:

katie said...

dude, when are you coming to Hfx?

Kent said...

Bethany,
I identify quite a lot with some of the mental struggle you describe. Thank you for sharing it.
Kent

brent potter said...

i disagree. unless i have misunderstood your post... which i very well may have given the late hour that i read it. maybe i'll read it again tomorrow for a round two. ding ding!