Wednesday, September 07, 2005
armando… last night, when you were with janna and i was on the hammock, i could hear pretty much ever word of your conversation, and i didn’t want to. i didn’t want to go upstairs to my room because i would fall asleep. so, i went in to angela’s bed and turned the fan on and lay my head in front of it, to drown out the sound, then wrapped a sweatshirt around my head for good measure, and to block out the light…i wanted to think. think and pray. i felt kind-off crappy. crappy about the whole thing. you came to talk to janna and we pointedly ignored each other. its been like that for a month now. i evaluated my attitude towards you up until now, i’ve told janna about it: i’ve been standing my ground because i didn’t think that what you are doing, what you do to me all the time, is very fair, and i don’t think it is getting any better, and i wanted to punish you for that and i wanted to teach you a lesson…i want you to change. i was withholding love from you because you were withholding it from me and i didn’t want to encourage bad habits like that. but last night, underneath the sweater and before i fell asleep, i did pray. i tried to keep a little quiet because i really wanted to hear god on this one. and god said love. and i said i do love, but this time, this time, you need to learn your lesson, you need to learn that this is not ok, that you can’t get away with treating me like dirt for no reason. i told god that i was being loving because i was teaching you a lesson. i thought i made a pretty good point, actually. because, you know, love is many things and sometimes, when you love someone, you need to teach them what is right and what is wrong…right??? then god said, humility. and then i knew. i knew that i was babbling nonsense. i wasn’t trying to teach you a lesson because i was being loving. i was hurt and i didn’t want to get hurt anymore, and it hurts when i try and talk to you and you ignore me, it hurts more to feel that rejection than it does if i DON’T try to talk to you. and also, i know you love me, armando, even though you do your best sometimes to prove the opposite, and as much as i whine to people about you and how you treat me, i know you love me. i know, eventually, you will talk to me again. i know becaue every time you have done this to me, stopped talking to me, you eventually start again. and it feels good, when YOU seek me out, when YOU apologise because you know you’ve hurt me. it feels really good. so i had my eyes twisted shut to all this. i was being proud. i was going to wait for you to come to me, yes, to teach you a lesson, to make you suffer, to humble you…but not out of love. because i was to proud to seek out pain for myself. god told me that it isn’t my job to teach people lessons, as badly as they need to learn them. god told me that is HIS job…he has made my job very clear to me: love and die to myself, stop acting out of pride, start being humble. Its going to hurt. armando, you are going to hurt me alot. i don’t think god was telling me to keep walking into that hurt willingly, keep playing those silly games YOU play to feel loved…because you play the games, too…i don’t think that would help anyone. but god called me on my pride…i was being proud. i wasn’t being loving. i don’t know HOW i am supposed to be loving and humble, without encouraging your self-destructive and harmful behaviours…without playing your mind games…without falling into your traps…i don’t know how to do that yet…but i know i have made a mess of it up to this point and i don’t want to. i'm sorry...?