Friday, June 09, 2006

I hope you all saw the game

because Ecuador flippin' ROCKED. I saw the game on the main road of bastión sitting outside the Morocho joint with the creepy owner who stares at me, watching his tiny TV with a bunch of guys who jumped and threw stuff when we scored, which was awesome. Almost got killed on the way home by this guy who shot his pistol into the air (at a pretty perilous angle, I thought) at the end of the game, and felt the joy for a couple hours. But football high's don't last forever, and now, I find myself as low as I have been over the past week. I skipped youth group, dissapointed myself (but if I had gone I would have felt like a hypocrite) (maybe i just skipped because I wanted to feel worse about myself, because i know i deserve it)...failed as a friend...lied, bitched, and whined. I lay in my hammock outside in the back yard for 10 minutes and it made me feel everything more intensely, then I got angry at someone and went even lower...i don't feel like i deserve some of the nice things that happen to me, like Jonny Wilson, and good quotes from Heidi, emails from Janna, rain for 10 minutes, and cousins. I feel like a lousy person and i hope you all think i'm lousy, too, because otherwise, you're just deluded. If I had the energy to write more and convince you, i would, but I just want to go home, so bye.

7 comments:

jacquie said...

you too. dont worry. im lousy too.

Polythene Pam said...

bah. I wish I could be there with you when you're feeling like this. Soon.

heidi said...

yeah, you're lousy. so what?

Janice said...

i don't know about everybody else, but i usually know when i'm deluded (a state i often find myself in, consequentially) and i'm perfectly sure that i am not deluded when i think you're great. great in all the insecurities and impurities, because it's what makes any of us great. sounds cheesy, but it's true.

Justin Nanfelt said...

Dude! I saw some of the game @ the end of it and I thought of you over there! Then I wrote on Beth Gross' wall by accident about it... he he... oops.

How's life going? YEA ECUADOR!

Kent said...

Bethany,

I am very sorry to read that you have been feeling so crappy. I have had a lot of trouble with that in my life, and my life is freaking 55 plus years long. So I definitely empathize. Things you write sound like things I have thought, sometmes for long stretches of time.

Just sitting here, I have already prayed for you, so no need for vague promises that I will do so.

I have also experienced coming out of the blues. Sometimes after a few hours, sometimes a few days, and once it was after a few years.
A very odd thought that used to comfort me during those years was that sooner or later I would die and be with God forever. When I got so low that I thought even God's grace was not sufficient for me, God gently rebuked me and reminded me that he is able! It is how good he is that counts. That is more than enough to overcome whatever sort of filth I could manage to become.

What shall you say to Jesus? Probably exactly what you wrote!

Kent
aka Pamela's Dad

katie said...

que...raro