the end and the beginning

So, i finished the courses I was taking at "university". i mostly didn't tell anyone about them because they did not engage a large amount of my life...two month i will happily put behind me. Don't ask out of politeness, its ok you don't know anything about them. They bored me. I connected with one person (maybe two) who is (are) worthwhile staying connected with, and that's that. And now...a whole new thing starts. I'm ok with that. Pam and Nikki (my cuz) and me...a new rhythm of life, a new path. New eyes for old experiences, new friends from old relationships. Its all getting me accustomed to thinking of new experiences that I know are going to come...I haven't had many for too long. Too long.

Pam is here (-: and Galo is out of jail (-: and I am through with university for now (-: (she got in at 4:30ish am...still slumbers in my sisters bed...i can't sleep once the sun rises, even if i got no sleep at all in a night)

powerless

this weekend…well, it was kinda rough, but through all that, good, in a way. a good friend of mine, Galo, was arrested…there was a “batida” on Friday night in Bastion, which means the cops come round in a big bus, SUV’s and pick-up trucks and terrorize the neighbourhood. They bully all the guys around, and if you are male, 18 (or look 18) and don’t have any ID on you, or look suspicious, or give them a little lip, they pile you into the bus along with all the other miscreants and take you off to jail. Galo is in jail. Jail is a horrible place. We didn’t know where he was for the first day, we knew nothing, but his nephew Pedro found the holding cell they have him in, and today William and Alex Pilataxi went to visit him, and take him food (because they don’t give you food in jail here) (on your way in, they take all your clothes and money away, they never give it back, everything you have on you, they take, and then once you are in, you have to pay for food)… ...let me tell you, i am worried sick for Galo, I don’t even want to imagine it in there, they say it is horrible, you can’t sleep, you cant let your guard down…it smells, its crowded, its dangerous, really dangerous. Galo! If I could, I SO would go visit him, but folks say it would be a bad idea because i’m white and if they knew Galo had gringo friends then it would become more expensive to bail him out…i don’t know. i still feel useless and like a bad friend for not doing anything. My dad is going to lend the family money for bail, and Galo will have to work of his debt to my dad somehow…that is good. If the “justice” process goes smoothly, bail should get posted this afternoon and he might even get out today, tomorrow at the latest. If it doesn’t go smoothly…I don’t even want to think about it. i haven’t been sleeping very well, because i feel guilty sleeping in a bed when i knew he is on a cement floor that smells of piss, laying awake with an empty stomach. “Ecuadorian justice” is such an oxymoron. and what about this made it a good weekend? well, i feel so powerless, i’m tempted to pray and “leave it in God’s hands” as the lingo goes…but my motivation would probably be to feel better about my innability to act or my cowardice, so that isn’t a good enough excuse to start praying again. though i really do want to do something. i have felt very powerless this weekend...and in a way, it drew me away from myself, my selfishness. God is all i have to offer some guys, who are searching for something unknown so desperately... i think of my friend Junior, trying to get off drugs, my friend Pedro (Galo's cousin) and all the temptations that come, he is barely strong enough to stand up under, he's 15 for goodness sakes... oh i dont know. i keep learning. i keep living. i've learnt that doing selfish things doesn't make you feel better about who you are, it just makes you feel selfish.

soccer=love=happiness

i am skipping a class...i forgot how delicious it was

i'm looking into transfering credits from here to Mount Allison University, NB, Canada.

I hope you all saw the game

because Ecuador flippin' ROCKED. I saw the game on the main road of bastión sitting outside the Morocho joint with the creepy owner who stares at me, watching his tiny TV with a bunch of guys who jumped and threw stuff when we scored, which was awesome. Almost got killed on the way home by this guy who shot his pistol into the air (at a pretty perilous angle, I thought) at the end of the game, and felt the joy for a couple hours. But football high's don't last forever, and now, I find myself as low as I have been over the past week. I skipped youth group, dissapointed myself (but if I had gone I would have felt like a hypocrite) (maybe i just skipped because I wanted to feel worse about myself, because i know i deserve it)...failed as a friend...lied, bitched, and whined. I lay in my hammock outside in the back yard for 10 minutes and it made me feel everything more intensely, then I got angry at someone and went even lower...i don't feel like i deserve some of the nice things that happen to me, like Jonny Wilson, and good quotes from Heidi, emails from Janna, rain for 10 minutes, and cousins. I feel like a lousy person and i hope you all think i'm lousy, too, because otherwise, you're just deluded. If I had the energy to write more and convince you, i would, but I just want to go home, so bye.

I'm nobody! Who are you? Are you nobody, too? Then there's a pair of us -don't tell! They'd banish us, you know. How dreary to be somebody! How public, like a frog To tell your name the livelong day To an admiring bog!

Tomorrow is 6/6/6... the guys in the park say that means the antichrist will either be born tomorrow, or will take charge of the world. so that makes today the Last Good Day. What are you going to do today? Make sure you're not on autopilot.

the notes i sent myself today

christian platitudes only make it so far. christ was a highly personable person: he related to broken people, people who were sick of the world and its fake solutions, people who just wanted to give up. but jesus is gone and nobody is here right now that i want to spend any time with whatsoever. i dont want to talk to anybody but him, and he doesnt want to talk to me, so that's where we stand i guess. how convenient most truths spouted by the church become...convenient, like a horoscope's vague language is applicable to so many situations at once...convenient in that same way...but my life is not the same as what you imagine it to be. no horoscope makes sense of my future. everybody thinks i'm ok, it's laughable that felipe thought i read consistently...i've never read consistently. ENOUGH with the platitudes...god isn't in my bible, god isn't in my prayer, god just isn't for me right now, so give it up. if he weren't in yours, would you notice? would you be too busy checking him off you list of things to do before breakfast?...self-satisfaction. discipline, is that the supreme christian virtue? so it appears. discipline. an athlete, a soldier. Jesus? no, those aren't the first things that come to mind. Not supremely. Though you can't supremely define him in any word of metaphor anyways. why do folk try? but why is popular christian culture so enamoured with the virtue of discipline? The answer to that would mostly reveal stuff about me, my perceptions, but also the church...the church is different from popular christian culture. ...yes, i want to be more spiritual...only as an extension of living more truthfully in accordance with my inner struggle. if i had release through art, there'd be canvas after canvas covering my walls. but i have release through writing...watch the pages fly. and what would i tell Him, if He were listening?

i think i just need to get out and see where that leads me. i just finished "the world according to garp"...i've read it before, of course (i never have any new books these days), but man...its such a good book. its all about death, and that always gets me into this mood...everything i notice is a death omen, and something in my life has to change, soon.