this weekend…well, it was kinda rough, but through all that, good, in a way.
a good friend of mine, Galo, was arrested…there was a “batida” on Friday night in Bastion, which means the cops come round in a big bus, SUV’s and pick-up trucks and terrorize the neighbourhood. They bully all the guys around, and if you are male, 18 (or look 18) and don’t have any ID on you, or look suspicious, or give them a little lip, they pile you into the bus along with all the other miscreants and take you off to jail. Galo is in jail. Jail is a horrible place. We didn’t know where he was for the first day, we knew nothing, but his nephew Pedro found the holding cell they have him in, and today William and Alex Pilataxi went to visit him, and take him food (because they don’t give you food in jail here) (on your way in, they take all your clothes and money away, they never give it back, everything you have on you, they take, and then once you are in, you have to pay for food)…
...let me tell you, i am worried sick for Galo, I don’t even want to imagine it in there, they say it is horrible, you can’t sleep, you cant let your guard down…it smells, its crowded, its dangerous, really dangerous. Galo! If I could, I SO would go visit him, but folks say it would be a bad idea because i’m white and if they knew Galo had gringo friends then it would become more expensive to bail him out…i don’t know. i still feel useless and like a bad friend for not doing anything. My dad is going to lend the family money for bail, and Galo will have to work of his debt to my dad somehow…that is good. If the “justice” process goes smoothly, bail should get posted this afternoon and he might even get out today, tomorrow at the latest. If it doesn’t go smoothly…I don’t even want to think about it. i haven’t been sleeping very well, because i feel guilty sleeping in a bed when i knew he is on a cement floor that smells of piss, laying awake with an empty stomach. “Ecuadorian justice” is such an oxymoron.
and what about this made it a good weekend? well, i feel so powerless, i’m tempted to pray and “leave it in God’s hands” as the lingo goes…but my motivation would probably be to feel better about my innability to act or my cowardice, so that isn’t a good enough excuse to start praying again. though i really do want to do something. i have felt very powerless this weekend...and in a way, it drew me away from myself, my selfishness. God is all i have to offer some guys, who are searching for something unknown so desperately... i think of my friend Junior, trying to get off drugs, my friend Pedro (Galo's cousin) and all the temptations that come, he is barely strong enough to stand up under, he's 15 for goodness sakes...
oh i dont know. i keep learning. i keep living. i've learnt that doing selfish things doesn't make you feel better about who you are, it just makes you feel selfish.
Monday, June 19, 2006
powerless
this weekend…well, it was kinda rough, but through all that, good, in a way.
a good friend of mine, Galo, was arrested…there was a “batida” on Friday night in Bastion, which means the cops come round in a big bus, SUV’s and pick-up trucks and terrorize the neighbourhood. They bully all the guys around, and if you are male, 18 (or look 18) and don’t have any ID on you, or look suspicious, or give them a little lip, they pile you into the bus along with all the other miscreants and take you off to jail. Galo is in jail. Jail is a horrible place. We didn’t know where he was for the first day, we knew nothing, but his nephew Pedro found the holding cell they have him in, and today William and Alex Pilataxi went to visit him, and take him food (because they don’t give you food in jail here) (on your way in, they take all your clothes and money away, they never give it back, everything you have on you, they take, and then once you are in, you have to pay for food)…
...let me tell you, i am worried sick for Galo, I don’t even want to imagine it in there, they say it is horrible, you can’t sleep, you cant let your guard down…it smells, its crowded, its dangerous, really dangerous. Galo! If I could, I SO would go visit him, but folks say it would be a bad idea because i’m white and if they knew Galo had gringo friends then it would become more expensive to bail him out…i don’t know. i still feel useless and like a bad friend for not doing anything. My dad is going to lend the family money for bail, and Galo will have to work of his debt to my dad somehow…that is good. If the “justice” process goes smoothly, bail should get posted this afternoon and he might even get out today, tomorrow at the latest. If it doesn’t go smoothly…I don’t even want to think about it. i haven’t been sleeping very well, because i feel guilty sleeping in a bed when i knew he is on a cement floor that smells of piss, laying awake with an empty stomach. “Ecuadorian justice” is such an oxymoron.
and what about this made it a good weekend? well, i feel so powerless, i’m tempted to pray and “leave it in God’s hands” as the lingo goes…but my motivation would probably be to feel better about my innability to act or my cowardice, so that isn’t a good enough excuse to start praying again. though i really do want to do something. i have felt very powerless this weekend...and in a way, it drew me away from myself, my selfishness. God is all i have to offer some guys, who are searching for something unknown so desperately... i think of my friend Junior, trying to get off drugs, my friend Pedro (Galo's cousin) and all the temptations that come, he is barely strong enough to stand up under, he's 15 for goodness sakes...
oh i dont know. i keep learning. i keep living. i've learnt that doing selfish things doesn't make you feel better about who you are, it just makes you feel selfish.
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4 comments:
Bethy, I don't know, we'll talk about this more in person, but I've come to find I almost always have mixed motives in all that I do. Usually the mix is in favor of sinfulness too. I selfishly desire to become a better person so that people will like me more and think I'm "cool or "good" but there is a little bit in there that really wants to be sanctified for God's glory, maybe it's only a very tiny little bit, I don't know... but I have to trust that it's enough hope that as he changes me it will only grow stronger. When I pray there is almost always a selfish motive along with the true desire for God to work, probably always, and probably that motive is the stronger of the two, but I don't pray because of me, I pray because he commanded me to. God knows your heart. He knew you were sinful when he chose you to be his daughter. If you weren't sinful then why would he have died for you. But he DID die and he DOES forgive you. Don't sell that forgiveness short.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't write stuff like this on your public blog. I want to hear more of your heart and what you're feeling and thinking before I say any more but I am praying and hoping for you. And hope does not dissapoint. I am so so sorry to hear about your friend. That is so scary and horrible and I can't even imagine. I will pray for him, and I hope you will too. Prayer is really powerful Beth. It really is.
I love you.
Ohh Bethany.. I'm glad you came to comment on my blog, because I really do like to know what's going on in your life...
I'm sorry to hear about Galo - Very scary - this would sometimes happen to some christian guys in Israel - because they didn't quite know which would be terrorists they would round everyone up in certain vacinities... I'm sure I just spelt that wrong - certain areas I mean :D I would worry about them too.
You know, I think sometimes Satan makes us feel guilty and question motives in our prayer life just so that we won't, but I think it's much better to pray and let God sort out our motives... much better than not praying at all...
I shall hopefully email you soon, and tell you all about a crazy lesson I learnt of my own. I don't want to blog it, because well... blogs are public, and not everyone needs to know, but tlet me just say... it was a good reminder of how God works so differently than I usually expect.
Love you Bethany! Have a great week!
Talk to you soon...
Details on pray day on my blog. So happy your with us.
i really read that last line. its exactly what i think too its just hard to break out of the selfish cycle. and you just end up feeling more selfish because youre thinking how selfish you are.
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