the notes i sent myself today

christian platitudes only make it so far. christ was a highly personable person: he related to broken people, people who were sick of the world and its fake solutions, people who just wanted to give up. but jesus is gone and nobody is here right now that i want to spend any time with whatsoever. i dont want to talk to anybody but him, and he doesnt want to talk to me, so that's where we stand i guess. how convenient most truths spouted by the church become...convenient, like a horoscope's vague language is applicable to so many situations at once...convenient in that same way...but my life is not the same as what you imagine it to be. no horoscope makes sense of my future. everybody thinks i'm ok, it's laughable that felipe thought i read consistently...i've never read consistently. ENOUGH with the platitudes...god isn't in my bible, god isn't in my prayer, god just isn't for me right now, so give it up. if he weren't in yours, would you notice? would you be too busy checking him off you list of things to do before breakfast?...self-satisfaction. discipline, is that the supreme christian virtue? so it appears. discipline. an athlete, a soldier. Jesus? no, those aren't the first things that come to mind. Not supremely. Though you can't supremely define him in any word of metaphor anyways. why do folk try? but why is popular christian culture so enamoured with the virtue of discipline? The answer to that would mostly reveal stuff about me, my perceptions, but also the church...the church is different from popular christian culture. ...yes, i want to be more spiritual...only as an extension of living more truthfully in accordance with my inner struggle. if i had release through art, there'd be canvas after canvas covering my walls. but i have release through writing...watch the pages fly. and what would i tell Him, if He were listening?