I'm nobody! Who are you? Are you nobody, too? Then there's a pair of us -don't tell! They'd banish us, you know. How dreary to be somebody! How public, like a frog To tell your name the livelong day To an admiring bog!

Tomorrow is 6/6/6... the guys in the park say that means the antichrist will either be born tomorrow, or will take charge of the world. so that makes today the Last Good Day. What are you going to do today? Make sure you're not on autopilot.

the notes i sent myself today

christian platitudes only make it so far. christ was a highly personable person: he related to broken people, people who were sick of the world and its fake solutions, people who just wanted to give up. but jesus is gone and nobody is here right now that i want to spend any time with whatsoever. i dont want to talk to anybody but him, and he doesnt want to talk to me, so that's where we stand i guess. how convenient most truths spouted by the church become...convenient, like a horoscope's vague language is applicable to so many situations at once...convenient in that same way...but my life is not the same as what you imagine it to be. no horoscope makes sense of my future. everybody thinks i'm ok, it's laughable that felipe thought i read consistently...i've never read consistently. ENOUGH with the platitudes...god isn't in my bible, god isn't in my prayer, god just isn't for me right now, so give it up. if he weren't in yours, would you notice? would you be too busy checking him off you list of things to do before breakfast?...self-satisfaction. discipline, is that the supreme christian virtue? so it appears. discipline. an athlete, a soldier. Jesus? no, those aren't the first things that come to mind. Not supremely. Though you can't supremely define him in any word of metaphor anyways. why do folk try? but why is popular christian culture so enamoured with the virtue of discipline? The answer to that would mostly reveal stuff about me, my perceptions, but also the church...the church is different from popular christian culture. ...yes, i want to be more spiritual...only as an extension of living more truthfully in accordance with my inner struggle. if i had release through art, there'd be canvas after canvas covering my walls. but i have release through writing...watch the pages fly. and what would i tell Him, if He were listening?

i think i just need to get out and see where that leads me. i just finished "the world according to garp"...i've read it before, of course (i never have any new books these days), but man...its such a good book. its all about death, and that always gets me into this mood...everything i notice is a death omen, and something in my life has to change, soon.

is anybody out there?

why do i just feel entitled to god making my life decisions for me? i think i have too many of them. i think i used up the stock that he would supernaturally intervene in to provide guidance, too early in life. and now i'm just out, swinging over empty space on a jungle vine, taking indiana jones leap of faith... chelsey and clayton invited me to live with them in new brunswick (yes, thats in canada) in SEPTEMBER and go to school at their university (smallish)...straighforward? well, no, because see, its too late to apply for scholarships, so all that hard work i did in high school to get good grades, down the drain...and also, i would have to leave ecuador NOW, when i feel so useful with the guys in the park right now, and its such a crucial year for the youth group...(but when will that NOT be an excuse?)...i could wait a year and get scholarship (but who knows how much, even, would it be worth waiting for $1000?), but then chels and clayt will have graduated from Mount A and I wouldn't have anywhere to live. I could go, then, to Dalhousie, in Halifax, but thats such a larger university. anyways, do I really want to go to University? I would do one year of a B of A, and then apply to a social work program at Dalhousie...thats where my sister is going to be going to school in september, too. But its friggin WINTER in canada...i HATE winter...have no money...and want to STAY HERE. oh phooey

reflections

i like travelling, but not while it is happening. i like the photos more. i like the passport stamps. i like the stories, but i wish for the people. there are places i want to go (not russia), but i realize they wouldn't really be worth it unless i went with someone worthwhile. those solo travellers confuse me...i've met a few. who are they?

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