is anybody out there?

why do i just feel entitled to god making my life decisions for me? i think i have too many of them. i think i used up the stock that he would supernaturally intervene in to provide guidance, too early in life. and now i'm just out, swinging over empty space on a jungle vine, taking indiana jones leap of faith... chelsey and clayton invited me to live with them in new brunswick (yes, thats in canada) in SEPTEMBER and go to school at their university (smallish)...straighforward? well, no, because see, its too late to apply for scholarships, so all that hard work i did in high school to get good grades, down the drain...and also, i would have to leave ecuador NOW, when i feel so useful with the guys in the park right now, and its such a crucial year for the youth group...(but when will that NOT be an excuse?)...i could wait a year and get scholarship (but who knows how much, even, would it be worth waiting for $1000?), but then chels and clayt will have graduated from Mount A and I wouldn't have anywhere to live. I could go, then, to Dalhousie, in Halifax, but thats such a larger university. anyways, do I really want to go to University? I would do one year of a B of A, and then apply to a social work program at Dalhousie...thats where my sister is going to be going to school in september, too. But its friggin WINTER in canada...i HATE winter...have no money...and want to STAY HERE. oh phooey

reflections

i like travelling, but not while it is happening. i like the photos more. i like the passport stamps. i like the stories, but i wish for the people. there are places i want to go (not russia), but i realize they wouldn't really be worth it unless i went with someone worthwhile. those solo travellers confuse me...i've met a few. who are they?

back to water

Another monday at school...another compromise. time vs. duty. machismo has many incarnations. love vs. possesion. maybe love is a myth. what do you let guide your life? what are you chasing after? success...no more loneliness...youth. running for the sake of not standing still

Does anyone have any plausible ideas for what i should do with my life, come september? i'm taking suggestions.

My sister is in Japan...she likes it, but not the fish eggs. i have started university...let me just say this and get it out of the way: its dreadful. i'll survive the two months that these courses last, and maybe take some courses in september in spanish, that would last 4 months, but i can't see myself spending any more time here than that. it kills the soul, i tell you. its made me realize how desperately i want to NEVER BE RICH (everybody else here is). Oh, the contrast! For example: ...in the afternoon, i travel here on a city bus, surrounded by fat sweaty women with hairy armpits, sacks of sweet smelling oranges, wide eyed children on laps, sullen wrinkled working men, reggeaeton music blaring from the speakers, animated spanish conversation in the quick, consonant-sparse language of the lower classes...in the evenings, i travel home on one of the universities private buses, surrounded by a world that is opposite from my afternoon world in every concievable way. Glowing iPod and cellphone screens. Whispers. Empty looks. Fruity perfume smells. Radio Disney on the sound system. i can't...stomach it. i hate myself for living it. Higher education is not worth this way i feel, like a traitor to...to who? i think its ironic who i identify as my "people"...ironic because of how oddly i fit into that group, but I feel more at home with them than with this crowd. i realize what this comes across as...complaining. i know i have the opportunity to study, the opportunity that many of my friends in Bastión would appreciate dearly. It sounds shallow, to them, for me to explain why i don't like university. i know what this would sound like to their ears, so i don't say it. i guess that why i blog in ENGLISH...it's someone i'm not allowed to be all the time.

in a library

why do we do this to ourselves? feelings are so uncontrolable, so mysterious, where do they come from? chemicals. god. subconscious. whatever. thoughts, also, trip over each other. if we knew exactly what went on inside of each other, we'd believe everyone to be crazy. so much contradiction, it doesn't make sense.

I'm out of peru. i'll have some nice pictures for you guys, this week.